Blackout

A shitty day. Parts of my body are in pain. Knee feels like it’s burning up from the inside. Fucking hate my genes sometimes. I’m out of money, been clumsy as fuck lately and have tons of small scratches on me.

 

My mental health is at rock bottom at this point. I haven’t slept properly in months. 

I’m overthinking everything, every single fucking thing. I’m not suicidal, although I kind of wish I were at this point. I would probably get treatment faster. 

I don’t know how to talk to people. I just keep it all inside, slowly building up the pressure, ruining my friendships one by one whenever I finally detonate like a time bomb. 

I don’t know how to vent and who to vent to.

 

Today has been the hardest in a while. The Internet's utter garbage, so the games I can play are limited. No point trying to hang out with friends on Discord either. I’d just sit in silence, occasionally disconnecting due to my ping. Everyone needs to repeat everything they say because of me. Multiple times. 

So I play offline games. At least I can do that.

 

Been playing for a couple of hours, distracting myself from all the shit pretty well.

I’ve jumped between three different games by now. Can’t fully focus on one single game at the moment. I’m listening to music, almost enjoying my time.

 

Just about to complete a side guest. Feels good. Got nice items as a reward. 

At this point I realize I haven’t saved in a couple of hours, so I proceed to do that. 

Right as I click on the file to overwrite, the power goes out. “Fuck” I quietly say to myself.

The clock is around midnight in the winter, so no light through the windows. 

With my shitty phone flashlight, I go check the breaker. No dice.

I peek outside and it seems like the whole neighborhood is out. Lovely, just fucking dandy.

I’m just gonna sit on my chair and wait until the electricity comes back. It usually doesn’t take long.

 

I’ve been scrolling Reddit for almost two hours now and honestly, my brain is getting kind of numb. Every post I see, I’ve already seen like ten times already. 

It’s still dark, no lights anywhere. Clock is 2 in the morning, so most of my friends are sleeping. I know a few that are probably still awake and tried to contact them, just to have someone to talk to, but interestingly enough, I haven’t gotten an answer. Must be busy doing something else I guess.

After opening and closing every single social media app I have at least fifty times, my phone notifies me that my battery is low. Fucking great. Can’t even charge the fucking thing.

At this point I’m starting to feel dread. The depressive thoughts from earlier are creeping back. And the pressure on my chest. Heart racing. Ah, anxiety… Fuck me…

 

Clock is 3:46. I’m sitting on the floor, in the corner of my room. In total darkness. Depressed. Really depressed. This is great.

My phone is completely dead. I have no reach to the outside world. I live so far away from my friends and they’re all probably sleeping at this point. Can’t go for a drive because I don’t have enough gas and no money to fill it up. At this point of the night I’d want to be sleeping. But I can’t. I’m not even tired. And even if I was, my mind is thinking about so much shit, I wouldn’t be able to relax enough to fall asleep

My mind is in dark places. Really dark places. My senses are going nuts. I’m basically blind so I focus on every single little sound I hear and every time the carpet touches my skin, I jump a bit. I smell my sweat and really want to shower but can’t do that either.

 

I have a nervous breakdown. I’m crying so hard it feels like my eyes are melting off my sockets. Every single sensation on my body is just too much. Every single thought in my mind is exhausting. I have no energy to handle any of these. I’m becoming numb, to the point where my entire body feels static. Can’t even feel touch anymore, my senses are just so overstimulated.

 

I start hearing faint crackling. Is the electricity back on? Some device that's making the sound? My ears focus on the sound. It’s really faint, on the other side of the house. 

Yet it’s almost deafening. Are my ears actually this sensitive?

I start crawling towards the sound. It’s pitch black in the house, no use opening the curtains. No streetlights are on and it’s so cloudy I can’t see stars. Even the moon only barely shines through the clouds, so virtually no light at all.

 

The crackling sound grows louder, before suddenly ending in a snap. It’s coming from the office room. Door is closed but I know my house enough to know that I’m only a couple of meters from it. I stop, sit on the floor in my living room in front of the office.

The crackling sound returns, louder. Clearly closer than before, but this time behind me. I turned around and froze. I can’t see anything. But also I sense a presence in front of me. I stare straight forward. My eyes begin to focus on the nothingness in front of me, and the mass in front of me, the origin of the crackling sound, starts to materialize.

Simultaneously, it’s pitch black. But also, somehow the entity is even darker. 

My eyes focus on the entity, and the pitch black environment seems bright as day compared to it. The static feeling on my body is gone. In fact, all the feeling is gone. All I see is the darkness, darker than the completely lightless room I’m in, in front of me, and all I hear is the crackling sound. The sound starts to echo in my head. like it’s not in front of me anymore, but instead everywhere. Every atom in- and outside of me emits the crackle. And it’s deafeningly loud. 

 

I have no idea how long I sat there. The feeling in my body returns. My eyes and mouth are dry like a desert. I don’t think I’ve blinked the entire time or closed my mouth. My body is sore. My mind is empty, exhausted. I start crawling towards my bedroom. 

There’s no crackle anymore. What happened, psychosis? Did I finally lose my mind?

After this, I can’t even think about anything really. I’m too tired to be depressed. I’m just a husk. An empty cell. Nothing inside me. I’m completely empty. Yet I roll a tear. And another.

I’m crying again. It’s burning my dry eyes, it hurts. At least I feel something.

 

The electricity snaps back on. I had no way to tell the time for a while since my phone ran out of battery. I look at the clock and it’s eight in the morning. What the fuck. 

I plug my phone on the charger, turn it on and immediately get a barrage of texts and missed calls. Mostly talking about the blackout. 

 

I got lost in my head. I completely broke down with nothing to distract me. I don’t know what happened in the roughly four hours I sat on the floor in my living room. I’m not sure if I was hallucinating or not. I don’t care. I need to sleep. Thank god I’m not suicidal because I don’t think would’ve survived tonight. But also I wish I was, because I didn’t want to survive. I won’t be the same after this, I know that.